Define me!!

Father, Child and Expression

2008-07-10T08:17:00.001-07:00

I have a friend who recently wrote a letter to his dad. It was written on the occasion of his dad's retirement. I felt very happy to have a friend like him. Coz, not many people (at least from India) express their feelings to their parents. It sometimes happens when it comes to their mother but very few do it when it comes to their father.

I will be frank. I dont like to show my dad that I am weak. From my childhood, I have always been a girl with a lot of zeal to live up to my dad's expectations. Since, he had only two daughters and no sons, I think he always missed a son. But he taught me many things, like cycling, kite-flying, cigarette-making, playing with bombs, radio-repairing, VCD-repairing, rat-killing (we had many rats at our old home), etc. So, I learned many things from the beginning like boys. We used to and still talk a lot of things which girls wouldn't talk to their fathers. We have long discussions about wines, makes of bombs, Aeroplane makes, cars, computers, machines, mechanisms, buildings, literally anything on the earth. Since, my sister was three years younger to me, it was natural that he got to talking stuff with me first. Now, they too talk many things, but I would say that those three years were always an advantage to me. I had been a tomboy for most of my life and later drifted into the girly self. But still, now that I live miles away and make my own living, I still am a bit particular about showing my weakness to him. Because, he had made me strong from the beginning. I had never had a problem talking to boys, I never shyed away from talking to strangers, I never had a problem understanding some of the complex stuff which girls wouldn't have understood at my age (now there are many girls who are much more intelligent than me).

The rapport that me and my dad now share is totally different from what it was before. I don't go to him asking about stuff. I don't go to him to tell him how much I love him, I don't tell him my financial position, I don't tell him which guy I like now, I don't cry in front of him. It has become more formal now. But the love is still there. But, its just that I wish I were young again and spent the same time... talking about railway tracks, railway engines, rockets, logic, reasoning and many more. The distance has added to the strain.

I miss my dad. And, I miss him a lot.

Dream lost in dreams...

2008-06-20T06:32:00.000-07:00

Hey...

I had a dream recently... it was so pleasant... Here you have only a glimpse of it... but I tell you... feeling it is something like being in a different world all together...

The breeze was cold and nice( I guess it was the fan in my room )... just enough to push the soft hair onto my face... my hand pushing them back... and they sweetly flowing again...

It was a sunset... the sky was pinkish orange and the sand was cold, silky and absorbing... the waves were fierce... but the water hitting my feet were very gentle... I was all alone... but was not feeling lonely (I thought I would have). I was walking along the shore... the ship on the horizon was going farther and farther away...

And then I suddenly jumped into our school library... yeiks!! It was so nice there! I am sure... the rest of the dream wouldn't interest you... nor me... so thats it folks...

cold and happy

2008-05-29T14:36:00.000-07:00

I am so cold today... its sweaty hot out there
Why the cold...? why the craziness?
It seems like I am melting into some kind of a void...
which is definitely comfortable... but not right for me...
I feel like getting up and running...
but my body is holding down... it wants that love...
it wants that care...
and I know that it will hurt me ... it will...

logic logic everywhere... not a single mind in sight

2008-05-29T14:12:00.000-07:00

Is it okay to think everything in the sense of logic and practicality...?

I am a practical person... but not extremely practical. But I was just thinking... about practicality and realistic thinking

Thought process

2008-05-29T14:01:00.000-07:00

Is it okay to like something when you know you are not going to get it?

... like if you have a game which you know you already have lost... do you still need to play it?

In my mood...

2008-05-20T13:58:00.000-07:00

I just wanna fall lazy...
close my eyes and have a little nap...
see those happy pictures behind my closed eyes...
I wanna just smile...
to those who don't know me...
and tell them that I am happy...
with all the love in me...
they never tried to hurt me...
but they always did what they wanted to...
I don't blame them...
but I was neglected too...
I just learned that I needn't care...
they just won't matter...
they don't wanna love the person I am...
then its perfectly okay...
I love myself enough....

Take the Time

2008-05-18T07:45:00.000-07:00

I keep thinking of something ... and it happens...

When I was a baby... I took my time to crawl... to stand up and to walk...
I took my own sweet baby time...
and my mom was there to hold me... taking the same time... to see me grow

I took time... to see the world... to meet people, to make friends...
I took time... to learn... to play, to read, to write...
I took time... to like... my friends, my books, my jewelry...
I took time... to draw... my first joker...
I took time... to dress... to look pretty...
I took time... for myself... to smile...

Take the time... to see around you...
there is something which is waiting for you... for you and only you...
probably... you are waiting too... its just that you have to take time to realize it...

Question for delight (contd.)

2008-05-13T08:07:00.000-07:00

Now, coming to the second question....

If I love a person, and tell it to him... it means I truly love him... truly and whole-heartedly. Well, I would only do it when I feel that the other person is in the same wave and feels the same for me. But in case he doesn't want to get committed to me... it means he doesn't want me. Its simple. Well, I would probably try to let him know that I love him and respect his decisions. If he were in my life... forever... I would be the happiest person in the whole world and there would be more meaningful times ahead, which is the essence of living together. I would have waited this long just for the person who can add the right meaning and flavor to my life. Even if he doesn't want me... its very very painful... but yes, thats his call. I still cant think of what I would do... its definitely painful to start and search a person all over again. It may not even have any meaning to it...

Question for Delight

2008-05-12T21:28:00.000-07:00

Hey...

Okay, now I have something interesting. I am not a writer ... but I love to write. Hmmm... . There have been many changes in my life these days. I am getting new friends ... losing some ... and kind of getting adjusted to a totally new me. Well, changes take effect on you! I have this new friend ... well, known him since childhood but never actually got into conversation. Now, we both spend the casual times of our days talking to each other. This person always keeps my head on the tick. My mind keeps thinking of the little conversations we have about life. Not that this kind of a thinking is new to me but just that I am focusing on small aspects of life and human nature kind of topics these days. Well, I was always interested in that kind of subject... just that I never knew where to start thinking from. Now, I do. Or, I can say that I have always thought of those topics but never really came to a conclusion or solid thought about them. This person has asked me two questions today and this blog is in reply to his questions.

First, What do you(I) think of love (man-woman)?
Secondly, there is a scenario. You(I) kind of started liking a person whom you have always liked as a person. You(I) are (am) now completely in love with him and have confessed your feelings. How would you(I) deal with the situation where the person you love has told you(me) that he is not in a position to accept your love?

I read this line... 'Marry only for Love', from a poster called 'Life's Little Instructions'. Well now it makes a lot of sense to me. I am basically a materialistic person. I believe in the fact that to survive in this world, you need money and also an urge to grow. I really don't know how I actually thought (at one point of time) that we needed money to marry someone. It sounds absolutely ridiculous to me now. May be it was because I could not differentiate between what I wanted to give to myself and what I wanted to give to the person I love. Or, may be I was not able to decide on what I wanted from myself and what I wanted from the person I love. Now, I know what I feel about love and it is the most comfortable thought I have ever had.

My initial answer to the first question was that Love is to be for each other, to respect each other and to believe in each other. Well, that was a very brief one. When we come to detail, my definition to love is something like this ...

Love is the very warm feeling you get when you think of that person. The very way in which that person slips into your thoughts even when you are not with him/her. Love is about the feeling of belonging to someone. Love is about not forgetting that person even when you are busy (I don't mean forget the busy work. But still have that comforting thought that you have their thoughts in you). Love is about spending quality time together and letting the other person be their true self when they are with you. Love is about still loving that person even when you know their short-comings (and not complain). Just because you know their faults, it doesn't mean you show it to them (thats what others do anyways). Love is being able to understand the other person as they are. Love is about loving the person they are. Love is about supporting the person emotionally when they are feeling low or when they ask for it. Love is about respecting their opinions and their dreams. Love is about trusting them, without any inhibitions or prejudice. Love is about believing that the person is capable of what they are and what they want to be. Love is the feeling of belonging and being for each other. Love is, knowing that there is a person to whom you can always go back to and open up yourself. Love is the belief that, that person trusts you and believes in you. Love is where, you feel that your ultimate destination is in their arms, in their look and in their presence.... I feel like I have already heard all these things before. But, I think I heard them when I really did not know what Love was. Now, I think when I know what I feel about love and write, I have more meaning to myself and more meaning to what I define love is.

You must have observed that I did not replace 'Love' anywhere in the above paragraph with 'it', because I feel that Love is something which can not be addressed with any other word.

The answer to the second question is still under construction. So, please feel free to look back again sometime later.

a little hip and a little to hop

2008-02-21T07:26:00.000-08:00

hey .... back again ..... :)

Watched the latest Step Up 2 the streets?? .... i did ... and u know what? .... i love it! .... there were days when i used to watch hip hop albums on VH1 and say .... wow i love it. But least did i feel like doing it .... now after this movie .... i m crazy ... absolutely .... and heard this song... "she ..... like a cyclone.... and makes .... long" by Baby bash and T-pain? they call it 'Cyclone' ..... its worded bad but i dont feel like its bad at all .... the music just makes it all a cyclone ..... lol .... so what else ..... i was just getting bored and am doing this .... anyways ... will get back when i need a break .... :)

Photography and pictures

2007-12-20T09:19:00.000-08:00

I love pictures. I love taking them I love posing for them. Photos are the best way to remember people, places, things and even an age. The most beautiful things in us are our eyes and photos are a treat to them. I wish I had the best camera and the best art in my head to put it out in the form of photographs. I am good, I know that. But I just need more practice. I will definitely practice .... but when I really need to.

In the end it doesn't even matter ...

2007-12-19T10:44:00.000-08:00

"I tried so hard ... to lose it all ... but in the end ... it doesn't even matter" ... just love this Linkin Park hit ... did I lose it all? .. or did I actually get it all? ... I don't know ... well ... I wish I did .... I don't actually know of what substance I am made of. To be frank, I just don't belong here. I belong to some other far-away land where there are no people ... no rush .... no selfishness. I know that people around me like me ... but when I asked one of my roomies ... she said that a bond or connection with me, for the other person is very expensive in relation to love and energy. She said that I have a protective wall around me where I become a cocoon though I actually seem to be a care free person. Its just difficult to understand me. As simple as that. I am not shy ... I talk freely. I am not rude ... I talk friendly. I have loads of acquaintances ... I have zero friends. I know very deep down that I am a weird girl. But just kind of shrug it off ... to actually make life easy for myself. I don't need to bother that I am a weird girl. If I am I am. I can not help it. Its not your problem. Its mine.
I was actually having this argument with a friend's boy friend about a person we knew. The whole thing was about that person and me being rude to each other. Well we actually had a roughed up conversation. But I thought what ever I spoke there was just so very justified to my view points and my beliefs. I just believed that I was right. That guy believed that he was right. I know that difference of opinions do exist. But whether I am right or wrong is not important. What I believe is important, to me. The argument went no where. But it did impact me. I believed what I believed and somebody was trying to disrupt it. Du-uh!
I was not a disciplined person. I actually believed that discipline and time are major threats to society and people's futures. I know I was a kid! Du-uh! But now after I left home ... to be all by myself, I think discipline actually builds peoples' lives. I want things to be clean. I want bills to be paid on time. I want to have great grades. I want to be lonely. I want to be happy. I want to just have a perfect life. When I did not want anything, I had everything. Now, when I actually want it, I have to struggle to get it. One way, its good coz I learn. But isn't this whole struggle just sucking away all that I am? I am not me anymore! I brag about things. I don't cry when my friends cry. I am formal to people whom I expect to love me. I lie. I hate. What do I lie about? Me? others? things around me? what?? I don't know, it doesn't matter. I hate what? people around me? People not concerned to me? People who love me? People who want me? Du-uh ... it doesn't matter either. Then what does? I don't know.
At home I am like ... keep things neat ... don't put this here.. Don't put that there. Don't leave stuff unattended. Don't blah ... don't blahh blahh ... blah blah blah blah blah. F... blah. What is it? Why are things just making it all more worse? It doesn't matter.

Defined me again ..!!

2007-11-28T09:09:00.000-08:00

Hey Hi ...
There's this application called picture personality. All you have to d is click on some pictures which they provide and they'll define u ... look at what I was defined:

Temperament

Flexible

Nothing seems to bother you - you sail through life crisis free. It's not that your life doesn't have its ups and downs, it's just that you handle everything without unnecessary drama and antics. You approach each day fresh, not worrying about yesterday or tomorrow. You are confident that you can handle anything that comes your way and experience has shown that you are absolutely right about this.

Interests

Simple

You are continually pursuing a simpler and less complicated life - you don't allow yourself to fall victim to all of the "should do's" that society continually bombards you with. You are thoughtful about your life choices and think in terms of yourself, others and the world in which we live. You have a great sense that we are part of something much bigger and we must be good to others, if we want others and the world to be good to us.

Amusement

Thoughtful

You are easily stressed out and overwhelmed - you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. Because you tend to be self reflective, you know your limits quite well and must remember to not exceed those limits. When you overwhelm your life with obligations and responsibilities, you tend to shut down and go into yourself even further. Take some time to find your serenity and kick back your feet.

Passion

Emotional

For you passion is less about romance and sex - it's more about friendship and family. Strong emotional bonds and connections are your passion and your pleasure. You always let your loved ones know how much you love, respect and admire them. You do this through kind words, loving actions and simple gestures. You count your blessings each day and express your love openly. You expect the same from others.

Inguva nune ...

2007-11-20T17:11:00.000-08:00

... a bowl full of red-dried chillies with a heavy spray of Inguva ... pour hot cooking oil in it ... see to it that the oil is moderately hot and not very hot .... wait for sometime and then you are good to go ....

use its with anything ... literally .... of course, dip the red chillies in salt and then take a bite after every spoonful of rice ... Heaven ... pure heaven ..... try it .... i bet u'll love it !

I, me and Ginger ...

2007-11-20T17:05:00.000-08:00

... do you like raw ginger? ... did you ever hear of ginger beer? ... did you know about Allam Pachadi? .... Do you like ginger in Upma? ... and ginger in eggplant? ... and ginger in buttermilk? ... Well, by now you must have figured out that I have a never ending list of it ... anyways ....

I use ginger in everything ... almost .... I love ginger .. it make the food all the more pure and tasty .... My roomies know for sure that if I am the one cooking .. it would definitely be spicy and have ginger in it and have the Inguva seasoning in it ....

iruP inaP

2007-11-20T16:49:00.000-08:00

.... ssssssssssss ........... my mouth's already watered ... its the most cherished and the best indian snack ever! Well, its sometimes as filling as a meal .. coz I do over-snack it ;) ...
Appa always took me to that chat bhandaar right on the end of the lane, to the one in Sudha Hotel lane (best chat bhandaar ever), to the ones on the Ambedkar college lane (second best), and to Gokul. Gokul is where our family always hangs out. I always take the standard Dahi Missal ... sometimes Dahi Puri ...

I never tasted Amrutham ... I guess its supposed to be sweet. But I should say that the Pani in the Pani Puri is my definition of Amrutham. Rs. 2 pani puri on the chat bhandaar where the guy dips the whole puri, with the chana and dhaniya and aloo filling, in a pot full of pani is so very the next best thing to being in Heaven.

I did not have pani puri after coming to the U.S. of A. I wowed to myself that I shall have it only after I go back to India ... so far so good .... and I am waiting for that moment ...

Tickle me ....

2007-11-14T11:21:00.001-08:00

Hi ...

I got up today morning, three hours late, and without even brushing sat down in front of my computer. I had to actually start my grading stuff and was checking mails when my roommate who was fixing her breakfast asked me to play some songs. After searching the smashits, we settled onto a bollywood instrumental album and the window had an ad for winning some free eye-shadow sample ... I participated and it had many ads. One of them was this "Tickle", where I had to participate in some tests. I started taking the tests and whatever was being predicted was perfect. Here, in this blog, I would be posting some of the results which defined me. Most of it was true but ... yeah there are some cut-offs which I guess you just need to ignore ... okay here you go ....

An active and informed person like you lol!! will be right at home with the Wii whether you're
playing one of the great games or exploring the cool channels. Up-to-date and on the go, you're hungry for the facts. Friends admire your intelligence and understanding of all things current — whether it's national headlines, global news, or the latest gossip around town. A channel that puts you in touch with the world around you is just the connection you need. It's no wonder people often turn to you for the latest information and happenings. A go-getter like you thrives on keeping a fast-paced lifestyle and being in the know. Good thing there's always something happening somewhere. So get out there and be part of it!

Romance
Although you're a sucker for romance, am I? It doesn't matter ... you'll probably cut a guy some slack even if he doesn't constantly pamper you with gifts and affection. You crave passion in your relationships, so you want a guy who can (and will) express his deepest feelings for you through his actions. Someone like Richard Gere or George Clooney, perhaps? Well, why not? But you know that men aren't very romantic, so you're willing to lower your standards in this area if need be. Chances are you're willing to stick around once the courting period ends, though it's still very important that your guy occasionally dote upon you. Your realistic-yet-hopeful outlook will guarantee you a good catch! hopefully ...

Maturity
There's no denying that men are like fine wine — they definitely get better with age. It's not hard to understand why, when you consider all the benefits of getting older, which is why you like your guys a bit older and more mature. Suave and sophisticated, a mature-yet-fun man — like Regis Philbin or Kelsey Grammer's "Frasier" character — would be more likely to settle down into a real relationship and make a lasting commitment. On the other hand, your answers show that you don't go for stiffs who can't crack a joke. What's the point if there's no spontaneity, right? Yeah ... It sounds like you go for guys with experience and a sense of humor that's dry as a fine Chablis, but with a hint of spice.

Lifestyle
Some people say love is a journey of the heart. So if you're traveling anyway, why take coach when you can go first class? Exactly ... It sounds like you have some very clear financial expectations for your ideal relationship. Money is an important aspect of romance for you, probably because of the leisure and opportunities it offers. (One guy with a bank account that might live up to your expectations is David Hyde Pierce's character, Niles, on "Frasier.") There's no doubt that a luxurious lifestyle is tons of fun, but we hope it doesn't become the most important aspect of your relationship. We all dream about a fairy-tale love affair (complete with a castle), but it's important to stay within the limits of reality. Based on your answers, you should recognize and respect your desires, but if you meet Mr. Right, don't let anything get in the way of true love, even an itty bitty bank balance.

Looks
You seem to know instinctively that love is blind, so why rule out any potential suitors? Sure, you probably prefer a looker (who doesn't?!), yeah who doesn't?? Du-uh but you don't have strict standards by which you measure a potential date's physical appearance. Nicolas Cage? Ben Stiller? Just your style. Not only does this tendency reflect your innate good nature, but it also indicates that you'll be more apt to find your ideal man, since you're not someone who shuts the door on anyone who couldn't make a magazine cover. Of course, just because you're willing to look past the surface doesn't mean that your guy will be anything less than stunning. Whoever he is and whatever he looks like, you'll find him because your mind and heart are open.

Ready to bet on love? Of course you are. And when it comes to planning the most memorable
martial bashes, your wedding IQ is off the charts! Nobody knows better than you that Vegas
is perfect place to celebrate a new union. After all, what's a wedding without a crazy reception? And who doesn't want to get married by The King?

No matter where the party's at, your infectious sense of fun and vibrant attitude make it seem like an all-out bash in Sin City. Crap! Even in your quiet moments, you shine like a showgirl on a Vegas stage, and nobody takes a gamble when they bet on you. Good times! The five dimensions in this model give a complete description of your personality traits:
Openness to Experience, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness and Negative Emotionality. Read below to see your scores and understand what they mean.

Openness To Experience
Your high score in the Openness category means that you probably have a strong creative
streak. I do ... Your broad intellectual curiosity and your interest in the various arts set you apart. Yeah ... I know ... Some people may consider you somewhat of a dreamer, and your taste for variety often means moving quickly on to the next experience. Perfect ... This tendency makes you appear a bit flighty and inconsistent. Yeah ... may be ... But these elements of your personality simply reflect a character full of new ideas and charged with emotions. Well ...

Conscientiousness
Your medium score in the Conscientiousness category means that you have achieved a solid
balance in your outlook towards responsibility. You are probably somewhat organized, me ?? huh?? with a little room for improvement. Your priorities probably reflect a mix of work and play. Thoughtfulness characterizes your thinking style, hmm ... so you give gravity to important decisions without making a big deal out of minor issues. You are probably serious about achieving success, but do not feel completely driven by this motivation. Perfect! All in all, you've got a very healthy perspective on work and duty.

Extraversion
Your medium score in the Extraversion category defines your social identity. You are probably comfortable in either a crowd or by yourself, and spending time alone or with company is equally enjoyable. When among others, you tend to stand in the foreground, although you may not always wish to take the position of a leader. Right ... Instead, you seem to prefer moving between the role of leader and follower, as the situation requires. You said it ! You probably keep a moderately active social life; you're generally on the lookout for excitement, but certainly don't require it. May be ... You tend to keep a fairly positive emotional outlook, and people can usually count on your for some good cheer. yay!

Agreeableness
The Agreeableness category refers to your social disposition. Your medium score indicates
someone who balances the priorities of your own inner voice with the needs of others. You
tend to be concerned with the harmony of the group, while maintaining a certain independence. Depending on the situation, you might adopt a stance that defers to the wishes of others, or else assert your own individuality. In this way, you have a great deal of tact, and believe in the situational equality of people. You probably have an approachable and kind personality. People probably admire you for your ability to speak your mind when appropriate. Well, I think so too ...

Negative Emotionality
Negative Emotionality refers to your emotional reactivity. Your medium score means that you're someone who negotiates your emotions depending on your situation. Sometimes you may
feel quite sensitive and emotional, while other times you may remain resilient to outside pressures. This quality of adaptation best describes your emotional character. You maintain a rational outlook, which is moderated by feelings. For example, you can sometimes feel sad, stressed, worried or embarrassed under the weight of a situation, but you are able to act quite calm and reserved, without yielding to the stress. Responsive, without being overly reactive, is the best way to describe you.

Sunsign:
The planets are very complex. Maybe your astrologer will disagree, and maybe a few tendencies will vary, but overall you're a SCORPIO. Wrong ... CAPRICORN! You're just like a water sign, which comes out in the way you're so in tune with your emotions and your intuitions. Your symbol is a scorpion, which represents your secretive nature and your ability to emit a powerful poison when vengeful. A bundle of contradictions, you have the ability to demonstrate both the best and worst qualities that characterize human nature. Generally, you are intense and passionate, yet stubborn and competitive. You use your intuition fearlessly, and you have a tendency to explore the nature of existence through the study of philosophy and religion. Although it is difficult for you to trust others, ... true whenever you finally do, the result is deep and powerful. On the downside, however, you must work hard to suppress your jealousy.

Your dedication, drive, and persistence will guarantee you success, and you are known and respected for your imagination and idealism. In beauty, as in life, you don't believe in being weighed down by anything unnecessary or frivolous. From makeup to soaps — you like to keep things as simple and easy as possible. You stick to what's tried and true — simple, flattering colors and tactics with lovely results. You're not likely to get too stressed out over a wrinkle or a gray hair. There are far more important things in life to worry about.Your freedom from frills allows your natural beauty to shine through and gives you a playful, happy glow that makeup simply enhances. As for pampering yourself now and then, you've got better things to do. Alas, all work and no play can also take its toll on beauty. Sometimes a massage or a new lipstick, while not necessary on the surface, may be just what the doctor ordered. At the same time, you're perfectly happy not spending money on things that obviously don't work for you.

Sure, you've had your share of lazy Sundays, but for the most part, we'd guess you greet the day with enthusiasm and maybe even a smile. Morning people like you probably have your own internal alarm clocks, and it often makes morning the best part of the day. Getting to work or appointments on time has probably never been a problem for you. In fact, you're usually at your most productive during the a.m. hours. So, if you've got a big presentation to give or a test to take, your best bet is to schedule it before lunchtime. Go get 'em!

My Pastlife:
Whether you were ruling the Roman Empire or shaking up the 18th century, you're sure to be
making waves in any era you're in. hmmm ... Driven and focused, you want to make a difference and help people. If it gets you into the history books, even better! Ambitious and motivated, you've got your eye on the prize and aren't afraid to go after what you want. You'd love to shake things up and make waves in the world. A little fame thrown in there wouldn't hurt either. yeah yeah So, keep chasing your goals. You're sure to go far in this life — and the next ones!

You keep secrets about your Family:
Whose family isn't a little dysfunctional? Just the same, you're not gonna write the next great American novel about your family's crazy arguments and weird habits. No one needs to know about Aunt Bertha's obsession with dolphin tchotchkes or Grandpa's affection for highballs. For you, family gossip is best left alone. It's important to keep those dirty little secrets to yourself. You've got a great respect and love for your kin, even if they don't always act the way you want them to. As long as you know the truth about what's going on in your seemingly happy home, who cares what the neighbors say? Sticking by each other — now that's what family's for!

As I told you ... all of it not true ... the rest is for you to confirm it for me ... so do tell me what I am ...